Thursday, August 14, 2008




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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Y'all Better Wake The Fuck Up And Let's Go One More Time Around

DALE IS BACK. Like the Empire, but I ain't strikin', just livebloggin' from the Beijing Olympics. Alicia Sacramone just fucked up her balance beam mount, but in more positive news I've realized her ass deserves some appreciation as well. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be as much documentation as my girl Misty has seen, plus the broad is only 20 now so image search is sketch. Steve will probably take care of that though, age ain't nothin' but a number to him if ya na'mean. Anyway, if you ain't watchin', you'll just have to take my word for it (and the status of my pants) (on the floor).

This balance beam shit is insane. I can't even walk the white line on the road, and trust me, I've had to do that like half a dozen times. Shawn Johnson just fuckin' dominated but I'm more scared than amazed. Little pixie tramp could probably whip my ass from like 40 different angles and she's only 4'9" or some shit. I'd be like lookin' to jack up with my creatine and I'd already be in the hospital.

Oh, and big fuckin' surprise, Phelps destroyed souls today. Two events, two gold medals, two world records. That's how we do it in America. Not sure if you were aware. I was really thinkin' fascism had its advantages before these Olympics got underway, and even through the opening ceremony I was all "man China might be all that, I wonder if I can walk there" but now I'm like USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA MAY'S ASS USA like you should all be.

OK Alicia is gonna do her spot in the last rotation, time to get to it. DALE OUT.

P.S. Ah she just fucked up. This shit is rigged. Maybe she's communist. I'll console her. And by console I mean sexually stimulate.

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where the FUCK ami. this is dale.

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Monday, August 11, 2008

I'm Gonna Go Masturbate

You know how in Death to Smoochy Spinner Dunn says, "Hey, Sheldon I'm gonna go take a dump!"

Well, I'm gonna go masturbate, cuz Misty May-Treanor reminds me that I need to do that. I hope Dale don't come fuckin runnin in my room, cuz I broke the damn door lock last week when I was playing waterless Marco-Polo with this girl I met at a bar.

I didn't need to masturbate that night if YOU GET MY DRIFT.

If you don't get my drift, I'll explain. I GOT LAID.

Misty, long live that ass.

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HOW'D I geton the CouCh? i feel funny. typin good though. got mys econd win. in other news:

YEAH FRANCE WHAT'S U PYOU CHEESE EATIN SURRENDER MONKEYS YEAH FUCK WOO yo misty where you at? i bet she was excited as shit for phelps. ah phelps. that's a hunk of burnin love right there.

man why we still watchin' mens gymnastics. where are all the white women.

oh hey here's two:
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damn. hey i'm thirsty. i need somepoiueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Upper Body Strength, or Some More Things About Misty's Ass

Chen Yibbing just destroyed on the rings, and hot damn that guy's got some upper body strength. He hung vertical for about four seconds. Fuck, I have trouble just lifting Dale's drunk ass from the fuckin' computer chair, you know?

Some status on Dale: First off, don't worry, He gets like this a lot. Or, he used to. See, Dale is a recovered alcoholic. He used to be fuckin-a crazy at the parties. Frank the Tank?- pfffffffff, somebody beat me off. He ain't got nothin' on Dale "You Gonna have to post bale" Mankowski. I swear, that crazy son of a bitch would always end up behind bars after a night of heavy drinking. So, his uptight family had an intervention one day, and Dale had to promise he wouldn't drink anymore and that he'd go to AA. Well, he's been clean for a while.

But, fuck, you gotta celebrate when Misty May-Treanor plays the volleyball. So, unbeknownst to him, I poured some SoCo into his creatine to get him in party mode. Fuckin-awesome.

Apparently that motherfucker can't handle his booze, because he passed out on the fuckin keyboard. I had to drag, shove, kick him to the couch. I think he's mumblin' something about Misty right now. Could be about Phelps, that motherfucker just secured the fastest times in the pre-LIMBS. Motherfucker gots some gills or something.

So, that leads me to my point. Misty has such a great ass. It's like the pinnacle of allness.

Fuckin shit, I just thought up the next script for Indiana Jones. It's called "Indiana Jones and the Search for Misty May-Treanor's Ass." That'll be his most sought-after relic yet. Fuck the cup of youth, and those crystal skulls, and that thing he searched for in the first movie. This movie takes place in Beijing, and Indiana comes in with his hat, crackin his whip and yelling, "Get down." Then Shia shows up, talking about Decepticons and driving drunk and fuckin up scheduling, and then he's all like "Megan Fox is hot and all, but she ain't got shit on Misty May-Treanor." Then they turn that shit into a musical and sing an aria called "Misty May-Treanor's Golden Ass." It wins a grammy and an oscar. Then there's some explosions, a tension-filled game of volleyball, and the end battle sequence where Shia gets hit repeatedly in the cherries like he did in "The Crystal Skull." After that hilarious stuff, Misty May-Treanor comes out and says, "You boys like this?" Then she points at her ass. It wins an oscar and a Hollywood star. Her ass does, I mean.

So, fuck it, George Lucas owes me money, Shia owes me respect, and Indiana Jones owes me a hat.

Dale's fucking around with the remote, trying to "bring back" Misty's match. That motherfucker must think we got Tivo or something. In actuality we're stealing the cable from next door.

One more thing: Have you ever noticed how your pants get a little tighter when Misty May-Treanor comes on screen? It's like she's got some magnets or something. Fuck if I know, I prolly should have paid attention is sex-education class.

One more thing: Misty has a great ass.

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Misty isd ousdfpuoidfupoafsd/1``1```````````````````````

man, "Glycerine" is like the best song ever.

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